FML, Quicksand

It's almost 2 weeks since I met her. We've been constantly chatting every day now. I don't know what this means, but it makes me pretty happy.

She's sweet. She's cute. She's friendly. She's helpful. She's kind. She's polite. Most important of all, she has no boyfriend!

But here's the twist. After some digging, not only is she all that was mentioned above, she married... Not only is she married, she also has a kid, almost 3 years old? Hot damn!

Just my luck, fml, every single time, me, always. I describe all this as FML, quicksand.

I know all these about her, and yet I am advancing. Talking to her, I wanted to, despite knowing all these. The same old case of my head telling me no, abort mission and my heart still wants to go on. Talking to her makes me happy, as if there's something I can hope for again, it gives me hope.

I've tried, bringing topics, that would let her slip and reveal the truth of her past. But she seems very determined to keep it a secret or hidden or buried. So I guess, I'll just let the past be the past.

I think I will be able to accept...


This uneasiness I am feeling, as I venture deeper and deeper into the quicksand that might consume me, being fully aware of the demise that is awaiting my every step of advancement. 


The date was 17June.

A Pleasant Surprise from an Unpleasant Call Leading to Possibly a New Journey

It was on the 4th of August, I was on standby. After going to bed late at like 3am and not being able to sleep whole night. I was abruptly woken up at 740am. I was told to report straight to aircraft. So I took my time to prepare and get to the airport. In my mind, it wouldn't matter if I miss the flight or not.

At first she didn't really stand out to me, just another day of work with another set of crew, another stewardess. It was a Sydney flight, SQ211. 

So I was deployed as  J5, while the other GS is a J2. She was J4, the CSS was someone I flew with before and then there was a J3. When working, she was always so ganchiong. The GS and I was always teasing her, and the CSS would join in the fun as well. It was truly a fun sector, though tiring and challenging.

When we arrive in Sydney, at the hotel, a few of us had agreed to meet to go to the supermarket and then tapao dinner. She had let her hair down from the standard company grooming and had it in a way that I actually found her quite pretty.

Work next day, going back to Singapore, we were working in the same galley again. And again it was really fun working with her, she was all ganchiong again and of course the teasing would continue even though the other GS, my teasing kaki was not here. But this time I had been more and more daring. So then this time one of the girls asked me if I wanted to chase her and she would help me. That was when it hit me, I actually really enjoy this and then I had slowly tone myself down. In my mind, am I really falling for this girl? I mean I really enjoy this, this interaction that I have with her, its fun and everything, sure.

Til the end of the flight, I had really toned down and lessened a lot of my teasing and flirting. And she told me that she would be doing an AKL on the 10th, and before that it was her annual leave to attend a friend's wedding. The information was for me to change to her flight, but my very own annual leaving was just around the corner, so I couldn't change to her flight unfortunately.

At the airport while walking out, I didn't say much to her. I know she called me, but I didn't wait for her and just walked away. I was afraid, I had been single, been free for so long and there's so much that I have to let go, to change, to leave my comfort zone. I really doubted myself if I was even able to contribute anything to her, anything to give her, to make her happy. The me in Singapore is really zai, staying at home all day playing games and watching movies, that's not the real me. The real me is the me in Kuching, so interesting, so lively, so outgoing.

There were a lot of thoughts in my head and I spent a lot of time thinking. Because there was no way for me to find her or contact her, in the end I "sent" her my number through company email. 

The next few days were really painful. Just waiting, wondering when would she see my email, will she know that what I had left was my phone number, would she text me? And her being all that I can think of too, always in my head.

10 August, it was the day that she would do her Auckland. And guess what, she texted me on Whatsapp. I was overjoyed, I had already thought of so many things, including our first date and how it is gonna be.

This time, I don't wanna overthink stuff anymore, just wanna go with the flow, one step at a time.

Over and Over Again

I've gotta vent this out, and there's no where or no one I could do it wholeheartedly to, so I'll just do it here.

From 23-26 Oct 2014, I went back to Kuching for a short break after a long flight. Actually I've already went back home earlier in the month, from 7-12 Oct 2014 and I wasn't planning to go back again in the same month. Of course I'd love to go back to Kuching as much as possible, but if it wasn't for this very reason, I think I would have just toughed it out and stayed back in Singapore.

So, what made me change my mind, well, it was a friend whom I haven't met for a long time but had kept in touch with. It's Sharon. I was actually pretty excited to meet her, can't remember when was the last time we met. We were suppose to meet the last time she was in town, however she was sick and circumstances made it so we can't meet and catch up.

For the entire duration of my little break at home, we hang out quite a lot. With lunch and drinks and movies and playing laser tag. It was really fun.

However, other than fun, I felt really happy. Being able to have so much fun, to be so natural and comfortable around someone, it truly is something special. Also having that person be your best friend. It's crazy how one can fall for the same person over and over again. For me, it's the third time...

I remember the first time I had fell for her, it was love at first sight, some might call it puppy love. It was back in secondary school, it was 2004 when I was 14 years old in Form 2, she was in peralihan, I was just right outside my classroom on the third floor, and she caught my eye walking amongst the crowd at ground level. I remember it was one week or 10 days before her birthday that I knew her. It was the first time in my life where I bought a present for a girl.

Fast forward to the second time, coincidentally she was in Singapore too, working here. We hanged out a lot, ate together, watch movies together, went shopping, we just spent a lot of time together. 

And then this was the third time.

While writing this, it just hit me. For everytime I had fell for her, I had my heart broken too.

There are so many reasons why we can't and won't be together. One of which is of the biggest reason is because she never liked me. But other than, I've become too good for her and I really deserve better. I've had a lot of advice from friends and family, and they all say the same thing. They are all right, it's just, sometimes, feelings are so strong.

But I'm okay right now, possibly why I'd fall for her that last time was because I was lonely too, according to some people, and in a way they are right.

True love? I don't know. But it's definitely something special to be able to fall for someone over and over again for more than half your life. Regardless of what happens in the future, she will always have a special place in my heart, that's all I can say.

UPSR 华语作文 : 我最尴尬的时刻

有一天, 我独自一人到我公司不遠的餐厅吃午餐。那里的餐厅人山人海, 仿附像到了一个有几千人的廣场。我看到有位就赶快坐下, 不然就会被AUNTY强走咯。突然间, 在人海茫茫中, 我看见了一个很熟悉的背影。他皮肤白思, 身体很fit。对! 他是我朋友 Anderson Lai. 难怪我看的见, 因为他太帅了。

当时,我不敢100 confirm 是他,因为他的头发很塌。可是我还是股起了勇气去say hello. 当我搭一搭他的肩时, 被他身边的朋友用很奇怪的眼神看我。没关系因为他们没看过 "罗志祥" 在kuching。可偏偏Anderson 用他那一脸迷獲的看了我几秒。他认不得我!! 当时尴尬值术暴表。还好过了几秒他代上眼镜就认出了我。可能是他那碗laksa太ho chiak. So 他忘了我。我们聊了几句就回去吃饭。

幸亏他认得我,不然我的那双batu 鞋在他的laksa中游泳。经过了这些事之后, 我 confirm那是我这生中最 Lap Bin 的事刻

The Nightmare Realization

A man's greatest realization could be from his nightmares.

Wake up from today's nap with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart.

The dream was about my sis and I falling sick to the same illness where we needed the bone marrow from either one of our parents. Our dad willingly volunteered himself, knowing that it would cause great harm to him. 

And throughout the whole thing, my mum was there taking care of us. The hard work, the care and her worrying the whole time, was a sight of horror while I just lie there watching from my bed.

Woke up earlier than I had to because I just couldn't continue this nightmare... with great realization that what is the most important thing to me right now. And it has been 2 months since I went back home...

I guess that's why it's called "waking up", both literally and figuratively.

Rejection and Lesson Learnt

I think the picture pretty much explains everything. It all started Thursday night where she got angry at me for like no reason at all. I couldn't sleep well that night, went to bed at 1am and woke up at 6:45am. I think that was the beginning of the end. Then in the afternoon, after I pass the things to Super, I receive this message. I think it's very unfair to me. Getting rejected even before I get to confess.

I had been betrayed, I don't think it was Tang, but rather I suspect it was Super whom I trusted and thought would help me. I guess this is the lesson learnt. Girls are different from guys. When girls ask guys to help them chase their guy friend, the guys wouldn't hesitate to help. But when guys ask girls to help them chase their girl friend, they tell their girl friend everything and feel like its troublesome and annoying. So bottom line is, never seek out girl's friends to help you chase her.

Yeah, I admit I made a mistake. I'm not perfect, I'm still learning and I will be the first to admit and try to change them. She is actually a really nice girl, and I even failed this one. There is really a problem with me. Maybe I will be single just like my big bro Wayne. Guess it's time to take a break. We are still friends though. I've also bought a nice little watch for her, and I plan to put it on the wrist of that doll that Lester's girlfriend Sue has too and give it to her during her birthday. Just ask Super their room address and drop it in front of their door. But that's like January 21st. We'll see how is it by then, I've already applied my annual leave for that date though. But really, we'll see how it is by then, whether I still like her, whether... there are many factors to take into consideration, so we'll see.

That's it for now, I think I apologised a lot today, and to different people. But here I wanna apologise to my bro Poh Chun for being in such a messed when he asked me out for lunch today. Appreciate!

Update on Ms Y²

I've tried to ask her out *cough*date*cough* a few times now, I've been back to Kuching twice since she came. Disregarding the first time where we met at The Spring and the second time when I gave her some Porkies snack at her uni faculty, I have yet to go out and have a meal with her. It's pretty disappointing as I am not always in Kuching all the time, also I am really eager to meet her although I won't know what to do when we do meet, I went back to Kuching for her being the main reason for just a shot at being able to meet her. Well, it's like she is dodging me, throwing me excuses time and time again, which I get it. As polite or nice or reasonable she tries to make it sound, it is pretty obvious that she doesn't wanna go out with me, yet. Also, chatting with her isn't going smooth as well, yeah one could reason that she is busy bla bla bla, but that's really not the case. Her replies and getting shorter and slower, and she hasn't replied me until now although she saw the message, and I assure you it's a "replyable" message/topic.

Yeah, I'm feeling very down and devastated now, but I know how I shouldn't let her be the center of my focus. I should do my things, continue with my life. She is not obliged to reply any of my messages, I should just be glad to be able to chat with her and not expect anything. I know she doesn't like me, nor is she testing me, it's pretty obvious, but I am not gonna give up, not on this girl. Because she is worth it, and also because I really really like her.

Anyways, I have a friend who kept on throwing this question at me,  how are you so sure you like/love her? What do you like/love about her? Do you even know her? And I've found my answer.