Belated Valentines Post

I think that every year, during Valentines Day, I will usually do a blog post. Well this year came a bit late, I wanted to post, but then I just couldn't be bothered, yet.

So what did I do during this years Valentines? If I was still in Kuching, I'd probably let my parents go out on a date while I stay at home. So not much difference than when I am in Singapore. I just sit around alone in front of my laptop. Hey com'on, its not that sad.

I texted my two cute cousins, which are nice girls and I was pretty surprised that they both didn't receive anything for Valentines Day. Lol if I was a guy in their school or living near them, I would definitely send them gifts. I even said to one of them that the guys in their school must be blind or something is wrong with them because they are so awesome and no one sent them any gifts.

Anyways, I salute all those that live through that day alone, I know it wasn't easy for me and also a good luck to all my bros fighting the valentines war.

The Day Before My Birthday

So I'm sitting here, preparing my work stuff. My sister lying on her bed, both of us sick, but her's even worse. Feel sorry for her, because I infected her and she has to do a 4 sector this evening. I really hope she recovers, take care mei!

Lot's of stuff and emotions running through me. Though I really appreciate what all my friends and family had done for my birthday, I feel really sad and lonely because my birthday is coming, tomorrow, and I'm all alone. I have no friends, no family, my sis will be flying, I will be sitting here again, right in front of my laptop, just spending or should I rather say wasting my time until the day I can really be free and happy from all this.

Normally I don't really care about birthdays, or celebrations or gifts. Just a simple happy birthday wish is good enough for me because it shows people still care and remember. But what's most important to me is just to be around the people who I care and care about me, friends and family, especially during birthdays and public holidays.

I do realise it's good and easy money, and I have no problem wasting my time away because I am the lazies person around. But it's times like this again and again that makes me wonder, why? Is it so hard to ask just to be around friends, family, and loved ones during special occasions? Is it that hard?

I don't know. But what I do know is, if I can fight through this, these emotions and thoughts this time, I will be a lot stronger.

By the way, thank you guys for all the gifts and the time spent to celebrate-in-advance my birthday. I really appreciate it.

No Updates

Don't know why, but lately, I have no feeling at all about updating my blog. It's not that I have nothing going on in my life, just I guess, not worth blogging? I don't really know.

Well, thats all. Peace out!

End of the Year Post

It's been a long time since I blogged. Well if you read the last post before this one, you'd understand why. I've been down for quite some time, after she devastated me. I didn't realise that I really was so serious about it. Time to move on, but I haven't recovered yet. Oh well, I'll just take my time.

So lets think back, for the past year, what had happened, lets recap and then look forward to next year 2012.

I wouldn't do a timeline thingy though, because all I had to do is just read back my old blog posts. So here we go.

My first full year away from home, out in a foreign country. It's not so different actually, Singapore. I've been to many places, done many things, possibly I wouldn't do in my entire life if I had stayed back. Actually, things weren't so bad.

Work related. I've been to China, Japan (used to be my dream destination, but actually it sucks), Indonesia, Australia, U.A.E (40'C++), Korea, America, Italy, England, New Zealand, Manila, India, Russia, Turkey and don't know if I missed out others. Done different things such as went to Ferrari World in Abu Dhabi, Six Flags Magic Mountain in Los Angeles (immune to roller coaster rides), Desert Tour in Dubai, Opera House in Sydney, Venice and Roman Colosseum, Blue Mosque in Turkey and again some more that I might miss out. Eat some food because I really enjoy "exploring", there's honeycombs and kebab in Turkey, ramen and sushi in Japan, traditional Beijing steamboat, some spicy food in India and Middle East, Italian risotto, pasta and pizza, America's Cheese Cake Factory, Korean kimchi which I really dont like and a couple more again.

I've been home a couple times, ok, many many times. So many times that people who work abroad don't usually get to go back that often. My grandmother passed away. My whole family growing closer to each other. Making money well. Get to be best friends with my first love. Playing League of Legends with my German buddies and loving it.

Honestly, I've fallen. So through it all, it isn't worth it. I'm not really me anymore, I kinda lost myself. I want to go back, but there's no place I can go but remain where I am. I can't go back like "Daddy I wanna study." and go back and support myself. I won't have income, I can't focus on my studies, I won't be able to be active in church, I can't really do much. At the age of 21, I reached the point of no return.

2012, I hope you are kind to me, I'll try my best to do what I can. Don't want to waste my youth away, want to do something good.

The Shirley Saga

As of 4th November, it was officially over. Well, it ended before it even started. I don't really know where to start, I had a lot of ideas, but when its time to type it out, it all disappeared. Let's start from the beginning.

We first met when Sharon and I went back to Kuching, that was during Kuching Festival in August. That time, I was still interested in Sharon. We went out to eat a couple of times, for breakfast and Kuching Festival and movies. Thats when we started chatting, but she knew I liked Sharon back then. And then all the Sharon thing happen, and she was my informant and the person I could talk to. She kept me companied and stuff. We chatted all day, everyday, without failing, except when I go to work or when one of us is sleeping or she is eating or she went out.

So after Sharon officially dated with her boyfriend, and I went back to Kuching on September, I asked Shirley out. I don't think I really had feelings for her, it was just good having someone there you know? So we watched a movie together, and then had dinner at secret recipe. That was when, I remember the scene, she kept on talking and talking and talking, but I was just listening and not hearing, as I look at her, inspecting her, and then I decided, with a couple of encouragements from a few people, why not? During my trip back, we went out a few times more, I went to her house, hang out there, bring her family out to eat, tapao food for her family, help her dad do his resume, buy stuff for her pets, bla bla bla.

I really sacrifice and gave this girl a lot. I acted like a fool many times for her. I remember, I bought flowers for her, I bought chocolate for her every time I went back Kuching, I gave her money even though she didn't need it and I didn't need to. I made the effort to know her, her habits, her likes and dislikes, her past, her present, her future plans, her thinking, her mindset.

Things got wrong the 2nd time Sharon and I went back, but this time, Sharon had her boyfriend with her. And during that trip back, I only seen her once, for like what, 1 minute? 30 seconds? 20 seconds? That was another one of the stupid things I did for her. Ok, so I manage to see her that day, even if it was only a few seconds, to me, it was worth it. So that night, I booked her for the next morning, we'd meet for breakfast/brunch.

So that day, for me it isn't easy waking up in the morning, but I made the effort to do so and sent her a message, yeah she did reply, but only one of my text, then went missing, until 1+ when I texted her again. I was kind of piss, because that day, I was preparing to make my biggest sacrifice for her up to date, buy her a MacBook Air which cost RM3999. I wasn't very willing, because, she didn't really show much interest in me, but I was willing to make the gamble. Yeah, I wasn't in my mind, wasn't thinking straight, just doing it, just spending money mindlessly. I am that type of guy, I didn't want to buy love, but prove my love by the amount of money I'm willing to spend. But guess what, despite all my struggles for her, she didn't even care to make an effort to go out with me to buy that damn laptop. So that afternoon, we didn't meet. During the evening, I was really piss, I messaged her and I exploded. I think that was the beginning of the end.

Things only turn for the worst after that, there were hints, but I didn't took them. One of it was "Sorry but I couldn't accept your style", another one is "I think it is my problem, I am cold, always like that". But she also gave me the wrong idea when she said "I also don't know how I feel".

Slowly she wouldn't open up to me, wouldn't answer my questions or rather reply to my topics/attempts for conversation. Then it was slow and late replies. After that, it was only 1 words replies. And then totally to reply at all. I sent messages, I called. I knew she was ok, she wasn't harmed in anyway. She was online in WhatsApp and posting in Facebook, but ignoring me. I really tried very hard, in every way I know and can, and I suffered a lot. But it seems she don't know and just don't care.

This time, I didn't want to go back to Kuching because the air tickets were very expensive. But because what happened, I just had to go back, just like when my grandma past away. I didn't want to go back, but I had to.

I thought that we could talk it out, not really wanting to have another chance but rather to clear the air, but I didn't even had the chance to do that. Again I texted and I called, but no answer. Then Sharon messaged me, saying Shirley doesn't want me to bother her anymore.

I was devastated, so this is how things ended, bitter and painful. I thought that she was more mature than that, but who knew things would end this way? I never really wanted us to be together, I even knew we weren't a match for each other, we had problems communicating. She'd always talk and I'd always listen. Her topics don't really interest me and I had no comments and nothing to say. Her thinking, is just like Sharon's, but worse. I really thought Sharon's thinking was bad, but Shirley's is even worse.

This time back, was one of the worst trips I had back in Kuching, but thank God for my friends Poh Chun and Calvyn, they really showed me who is going to be there when I really needed it. They really salvaged my trip back to Kuching this time, if it weren't for them, I'd be miserable, just miserable. Oh yeah, this was the first time back in Kuching where I miss prayer meeting, life group and sunday service. See how bad the impact was on me? Just devastating. Oh yeah, also for the first time in my life, I went drinking so bad that I wanted to get drunk. Long Island Tea, the first gulp and I knew it was rum + coke. It was so bad, I puked in the toilet, making a huge mess. But never will I do it again, never will I get drunk again, never will I get hurt so badly again, never will I fall for a girl so unworthy again.

I'd easily give up Shirley, just my ego is bruised. I really tried very hard, and seriously I deserve better and she is just not worth it. But because I was better and I tried so hard and didn't get anything, thats why, in Hokkien we say, "beh kam guan".

Today starts a new chapter in my life, ever since taking this job, coming to Singapore, I was lonely. I had 3 crush stories in 1 year, that's like 1 in every 4 months? That's a lot. I needed the emotional support, one that a girlfriend would intimately give. But now, today, day 1, lets see how I fare, how am I gonna fare? I have no idea, but lets see. So used to chatting with Shirley all day long everyday, let's see how I'm gonna fare.

RM220 flowers for Shirley during her birthday.

22 roses for a 22 year old her.

Pink roses for the girl one admires and is courting.

R.I.P Grandma

13April1925 - 11October2011 Chew Oi Fah, mother, grandmother and great grandmother to many.

From the 12th to 17th, I urgently went back to Kuching. While I was working, my phone vibrated. That time I knew something bad happened, I said that I hope it's not my grandmother. After work I receive a text from my sis, saying that my grandma had past away. And so I called my mum because she was the one who called me when I was working.

After I went back, I tried to get my ward leader's number and ask him if I could get compassionate leave. And so I was directed to call control centre and quite surprisingly I had a 4 day leave, which was more than I had bargained for. I bought the air tickets after that for only around SGD100, which was pretty cheap for a last minute purchase.

When I arrive at Kuching airport, while taking the long stroll from the gate to the customs immigration, this was the first time I wasn't excited to be back in Kuching...

So for the 3 days until the funeral, we were all at 同心善堂. I didn't spend much time there or helped out much, I went home to sleep instead of staying behind. Chinese funerals, in my opinion, are one of the most interesting funerals there are. As a Christian, at times I'm kinda lost as to when I should participate and when not to, as culture and religion collide, but I know God is proud of me and I still manage to please people.

I was never close to my grandma, so I didn't felt much. But through all this, I will remember how a son my dad was to my grandma. And I yearn to be as loyal as him.

How to?

Oh yeah, I finally did it, I made her angry. So here's my question, how to?

I apologised, I explained, I begged... What else can I do or how should I do it?

Any suggestions? Need help here.