Reason, Season, Lesson, Blessing

There's a saying, everyone we meet is for a reason, either they are lesson or a blessing.

This season of my life, since June 2016, I've got to know a girl who taught me a lot of things and helped me see life from a different perspective.

It started with a night out with my friends. That was where we met her. I'd fallen for her the moment she said she didn't have a boyfriend. Haha, boy was I in for a ride, never had I expected I would go through all this.

Through this time, there were so many emotions involved, lots of struggling, having to think of things I had never imagine I have to go through and having to accept. She definitely taught me a lot, about life, about myself and about love.

At first, there were many things I didn't know about her. I guess all the guessing and mystery was driving my crazy, too many things I don't know and I find my mind wandering into the infinite possibilities, or in other words, worrying.

So this was how it was in  the beginning. I didn't know her much, but I was deeply attracted towards her. It was the interaction with her, chatting with her, the charisma that she possess and possibly me being lonely and desperate af lol. So through the internet, I found out that she was married and had a kid, and with the wedding photo shoots and the birthday of the boy, it had seemed like everything was in a rush. But all these were too personal and sensitive to ask someone that you just known. The curiosity one has when one is interested in something, the obsession and interest of wanting and needing to know, can be very tormenting.

So what's the deal with her now. She is divorced? Are they separated? Is the kid with her or with the dad? Or are they still together and happy? And so if it was A or B or C, would I be able to accept or how would I react? How far am I willing to go? How much am I willing to accept or sacrifice? So much have I struggled with these questions and scenarios. It was insane, the pressure was immense. It was consuming my every thought at each waking moment, only work was able to distract me, but only momentarily.

I had a good friend going through the same thing with me, and I found lots of consolation with him. Talking to him helped me a lot, not because he offered good advice, but just listening and sympathizing. I can get through anything, it just takes time. 

It's weird that we both fell for the same girl, at the same time, for different reasons. We never had the same taste in women, so this was oddly new. This just shows how special a girl she was. Upon finding out, initially I was kinda pissed, for he had violated the bro code. Upon the first night of knowing her, I had already declared to the guys that I liked this girl and I would be pursuing her, I had called dips. Despite knowing this, he still went ahead and asked her out and fell for her. I'm not sure if I felt threatened, it was mixed feelings. He and I go way back, since we were kids back in primary school, since we were 7 and we were close, we had been in the same class from primary 1 to early form 6, that's from 7 years old to 18 years old. So, in a way I wanted him to be happy, but I also liked this girl. So it was pretty conflicting. Though some time had passed and I only wanted for her to be happy, so it truly doesn't matter who she ended up with. True enough, it wasn't a competition. None of us could win her over, for she wasn't looking in the first place.

Funny enough, she was actually just going through a phase. We concluded that, we were definitely not the only guys she was flirting with. There was a period where we were really pissed at her, for not giving us the attention that she did in the beginning. So the both of us schemed to be angry at her at the same time and trying to get some answers out of her. In the end though, she turned the table on us. So she was the end upset, we didn't get the answers we were seeking and instead we had to apologise to her and make it up to her. Damn, was she good. Guess we needed her more than she needed us and we gave in.

It was later that I manage to completely change my attitude and learn more of the lessons that await me. I kinda went cold turkey on her, previously we were chatting daily. I would at least say good morning and good night to her without failure everyday. So, trying to vanquish my obsession and reliance on her, for my pride as well, I stopped contacting her. I think the most I could muster were 3 days, then I gave in as I still cared for her, but gave up on pursuing her, I just wanted for her to be happy. I think that was when I was at peace with myself. I decided that I still liked her and I still cared for her, and as long as she is happy, that's all that mattered. This was another lesson that I learnt, a quote from Julia Roberts in one of her movies "You know it's love when all you want is for that person to be happy, even if you are not the reason for that happiness."

Oh yeah, we did talk it out. She asked, why am I so nice to her? Why do I treat her so well? Do I not know that we do not have a future together? I told her that I liked her, more than just an attraction between a boy and a girl, but as a person and a human being, she is my kind of person, not everything has to be sexual and members of the opposite sex can still be friends. I think this was where we had a breakthrough, I liked her and she knew it, no longer do I have to conceal my feelings for her and she does not have to return my feelings. I would continue to do things for her, not just for her, but for myself, my peace of mind of not having any regrets. At that point in time, it was known that she would be leaving Kuching and will be going back to KL. So the clock was ticking, I could only be nice to her for so long until she leaves my life. Then, things will go back to how they were before I met her and I can move on with my life.

Maybe it was because I accepted that she would never be mine, that I was willing to let go and have no expectations from her. Nothing about her bothered me anymore. She can be whoever she wanted to be, do anything she wanted to do, be with anyone she wanted to be with, and I was totally cool with it. 

Days go by, we would chat daily, we would grow closer. Things that we can talk about, never ceases to end. Good morning, good night, day in day out, without fail. Except for when she is with her husband, either when he visits her or she visits him. One day he found out that she was still contacting me, and so she had to unfriend me on facebook and unfollow me on instagram. I knew he didn't like me, but I had no idea she actually told him she wouldn't contact me. Though I don't think either of them were right, it wasn't my place to interfere.

I remember those sweet moments, when she would let me do things for her. I always felt that 20 min drives are long, but each and every time I had to drive 20 mins to go see her, it never felt like a long drive. I remember always buying her snacks for her tea time, when she was still working in Kuching. I remember being outstation, seeing things and thinking of her, or looking for things that might be useful for her. I remember buying lots of snacks and goodies for her. I remember singing her to sleep. I remember the late night drive with her. I remember just hanging out with her at her place, chatting and chilling. I remember trying to ease her work load at home by helping her clean the dishes or babysitting the kids. I remember helping her do her resume even though it was a long day for me and it was a long day for it and it was also super late. I remember saying good morning and good night without fail everyday. I remember staying up late just to wait for her to come back or to accompany her, or leaving the internet on just so I can be there if she needs me and reply her instantly.

In fact, for her, I actually went to KL for a short break instead of going home, I never did this. It was a first time for me. I expected we would have more 1 on 1 time together, but no, because she had her best friend join us for most of the time. Initially we planned for her to sleep at my place, and I was ready to sleep on the couch and give her the bed, but she ended up sleeping at her best friend's place. I would still have respect, I would still protect her integrity, I would still have self control. We went ice skating, we watch a movie, we went hiking. But little did I know, that was the last time I would see her.