Love Letter 2016

其实，我一直有很多话想对你说，但你一直都很忙，也没时间给我。可能对你没什么，但这对我很重要，这就是我的心里话。

毕竟你是我心爱的女孩。从第一天起我就知道我们不能在一起，但我还是深爱着你，妄想奇迹会发生。所以从一开始我就转移我的专注，只想要守护着你，成为你的祝福，不要求任何的回报。我一直都在想办法要如何帮你，一直要为你做些事情，让你轻松不让你累。但你都不接受，所以我也只能强制来。再加上我又不常在古晋，让我更难受。每当你不开心还是很压力的时候，很辛苦很累很困很烦很喘，我只想陪在你身边，多帮你，给你支持鼓励和安慰，不让你独自度过。

但有时我还是魂不顾身控制不了自己，超越了朋友的界线。想爱你的冲动，希望你对我有那么一点点的好感。希望你会花多点时间跟我聊天，希望你能快点答复我，希望能够多些了解你，希望你能跟我分享你生活的点点滴滴，希望你大事小事都会告诉我，希望你有事情就找我帮助。都是我不应该拥有的祈求和期望。认识你，就要我学习一个功课: "love is when all you want is for that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness".

你跟我不习惯不自在，我知道，我也感觉得到。你不喜欢找我聊天，我晓得，是我的话题，是和我的互动，或许我太勉强，都不适合你。有时我发的信太长，你会觉得我罗嗦，就不读。虽然我难过不能让你跟我无所不谈的那种的自由，但如果你所需要的是空间，我乐意。你给的解释再烂都好，我都选择相信给予你我的信任，好让你不因为我胡闹而觉得烦躁。我也知道我对你有多渺小有多不重要。但我怎么感觉并不重要，因为被守护的人是不需要知道天使的感受。

我欣赏你，我崇拜你，我仰慕你。我总认为你是超人，让我十分敬佩。虽然那么的憔悴，却又那么的坚强。一直在生病，又太多责任，但你都不顾自己，去顾对你重要的。乐观开朗爽快看得开，问题一个一个的堆积，但你勇敢面对不放弃，还带着笑容。你很上进，继续寻找方式进步自己，不断的学习。你很勤劳很努力，经得起苦，不怕困难。别说我太看得起你，但这些都是我在你身上所看见的。现在说你的缺点，你固执，你健忘，时间观念差。你必须进步你的沟通，鼓起勇气把事情说清楚，不要逃避，要不所产生的问题和误会会更多更糟更惨。

我很不希望你离开古晋，但我没资格也没权利也没福气去改变你的情景。这份小小心意，希望能让你的日子过得好一些。我曾经说过要你习惯好的东西要宠坏你，但我没办法做到，对不起，最终也只能希望你会好好照顾自己。我希望当你回想起这些日子的时候，能够微笑，因为我在这段日子里曾经出现在你生活里面。

这就是我的爱，我没有后悔，只有遗憾。谢谢你!记得我们还是朋友，有什么事情一定一定要找我!

最后，你一定要想清楚你要的是什么。对于生活，对于梦想，对于人生。不要让任何事情限制你，不要让任何情况阻止你，不要让任何人断定你，不要让世界捆绑你。你是值得开心的，你是值得被疼爱的，你必须活出你的生命。过去的是过去，不是惩罚，而是经历。每个人都值得拥有第二个机会，所以勇敢去建立你美好的未来，争取自己的幸福。不好的事情，就把它放掉，才能往前走。记得我是看好你的，无论如何都有我的支持，你能的!我不愿你不快乐，你一定要幸福!

She Left

27th February, she left me a message, starting with "hey man". Every time she has bad news, she starts it with hey man. She asked me to delete our conversation history. I was curious, we were chatting just fine in the morning, before I left for work. The message was around 3:30pm.

I arrived at Dubai airport around 11pm, saw her message, instantly replied. Curious, confused, unsure. Though I had a hunch on what was about to happen, for some reason.

28th February, 1am. I deleted our conversation and gave her a screenshot. She replied with an apology, and that she is gonna disappear from now on. Stunned, shocked, I had no idea what is going on. I kept trying to call her, but connection error. FUCKING CONNECTION ERROR. At a time like this? The one time that is an emergency, and connection error. Fuck you wechat, fuck you dubai hotel internet.

She said, it was time to let me go. She wanted to for some time now, but couldn't. I asked for an explanation, she couldn't give a proper one.

I never expected this to happen or at least to happen so soon, and for it to be so abrupt. I was ready to let her go once, before, and yet we delayed and postponed until today. Perhaps to her, this was not suppose to happen, just like how her marriage wasn't suppose to happen. Perhaps it was dejavu all over. Again, too many questions.

I made her a promise, that if one day she decides to leave, I would just let her go. I won't make things difficult for her, I only wanted her to be happy. Though there were so many questions left unanswered, and so many words left unspoken.

And so, she left, and I let her go...

Reason, Season, Lesson, Blessing

There's a saying, everyone we meet is for a reason, either they are lesson or a blessing.

This season of my life, since June 2016, I've got to know a girl who taught me a lot of things and helped me see life from a different perspective.

It started with a night out with my friends. That was where we met her. I'd fallen for her the moment she said she didn't have a boyfriend. Haha, boy was I in for a ride, never had I expected I would go through all this.

Through this time, there were so many emotions involved, lots of struggling, having to think of things I had never imagine I have to go through and having to accept. She definitely taught me a lot, about life, about myself and about love.

At first, there were many things I didn't know about her. I guess all the guessing and mystery was driving my crazy, too many things I don't know and I find my mind wandering into the infinite possibilities, or in other words, worrying.

So this was how it was in  the beginning. I didn't know her much, but I was deeply attracted towards her. It was the interaction with her, chatting with her, the charisma that she possess and possibly me being lonely and desperate af lol. So through the internet, I found out that she was married and had a kid, and with the wedding photo shoots and the birthday of the boy, it had seemed like everything was in a rush. But all these were too personal and sensitive to ask someone that you just known. The curiosity one has when one is interested in something, the obsession and interest of wanting and needing to know, can be very tormenting.

So what's the deal with her now. She is divorced? Are they separated? Is the kid with her or with the dad? Or are they still together and happy? And so if it was A or B or C, would I be able to accept or how would I react? How far am I willing to go? How much am I willing to accept or sacrifice? So much have I struggled with these questions and scenarios. It was insane, the pressure was immense. It was consuming my every thought at each waking moment, only work was able to distract me, but only momentarily.

I had a good friend going through the same thing with me, and I found lots of consolation with him. Talking to him helped me a lot, not because he offered good advice, but just listening and sympathizing. I can get through anything, it just takes time. 

It's weird that we both fell for the same girl, at the same time, for different reasons. We never had the same taste in women, so this was oddly new. This just shows how special a girl she was. Upon finding out, initially I was kinda pissed, for he had violated the bro code. Upon the first night of knowing her, I had already declared to the guys that I liked this girl and I would be pursuing her, I had called dips. Despite knowing this, he still went ahead and asked her out and fell for her. I'm not sure if I felt threatened, it was mixed feelings. He and I go way back, since we were kids back in primary school, since we were 7 and we were close, we had been in the same class from primary 1 to early form 6, that's from 7 years old to 18 years old. So, in a way I wanted him to be happy, but I also liked this girl. So it was pretty conflicting. Though some time had passed and I only wanted for her to be happy, so it truly doesn't matter who she ended up with. True enough, it wasn't a competition. None of us could win her over, for she wasn't looking in the first place.

Funny enough, she was actually just going through a phase. We concluded that, we were definitely not the only guys she was flirting with. There was a period where we were really pissed at her, for not giving us the attention that she did in the beginning. So the both of us schemed to be angry at her at the same time and trying to get some answers out of her. In the end though, she turned the table on us. So she was the end upset, we didn't get the answers we were seeking and instead we had to apologise to her and make it up to her. Damn, was she good. Guess we needed her more than she needed us and we gave in.

It was later that I manage to completely change my attitude and learn more of the lessons that await me. I kinda went cold turkey on her, previously we were chatting daily. I would at least say good morning and good night to her without failure everyday. So, trying to vanquish my obsession and reliance on her, for my pride as well, I stopped contacting her. I think the most I could muster were 3 days, then I gave in as I still cared for her, but gave up on pursuing her, I just wanted for her to be happy. I think that was when I was at peace with myself. I decided that I still liked her and I still cared for her, and as long as she is happy, that's all that mattered. This was another lesson that I learnt, a quote from Julia Roberts in one of her movies "You know it's love when all you want is for that person to be happy, even if you are not the reason for that happiness."

Oh yeah, we did talk it out. She asked, why am I so nice to her? Why do I treat her so well? Do I not know that we do not have a future together? I told her that I liked her, more than just an attraction between a boy and a girl, but as a person and a human being, she is my kind of person, not everything has to be sexual and members of the opposite sex can still be friends. I think this was where we had a breakthrough, I liked her and she knew it, no longer do I have to conceal my feelings for her and she does not have to return my feelings. I would continue to do things for her, not just for her, but for myself, my peace of mind of not having any regrets. At that point in time, it was known that she would be leaving Kuching and will be going back to KL. So the clock was ticking, I could only be nice to her for so long until she leaves my life. Then, things will go back to how they were before I met her and I can move on with my life.

Maybe it was because I accepted that she would never be mine, that I was willing to let go and have no expectations from her. Nothing about her bothered me anymore. She can be whoever she wanted to be, do anything she wanted to do, be with anyone she wanted to be with, and I was totally cool with it. 

Days go by, we would chat daily, we would grow closer. Things that we can talk about, never ceases to end. Good morning, good night, day in day out, without fail. Except for when she is with her husband, either when he visits her or she visits him. One day he found out that she was still contacting me, and so she had to unfriend me on facebook and unfollow me on instagram. I knew he didn't like me, but I had no idea she actually told him she wouldn't contact me. Though I don't think either of them were right, it wasn't my place to interfere.

I remember those sweet moments, when she would let me do things for her. I always felt that 20 min drives are long, but each and every time I had to drive 20 mins to go see her, it never felt like a long drive. I remember always buying her snacks for her tea time, when she was still working in Kuching. I remember being outstation, seeing things and thinking of her, or looking for things that might be useful for her. I remember buying lots of snacks and goodies for her. I remember singing her to sleep. I remember the late night drive with her. I remember just hanging out with her at her place, chatting and chilling. I remember trying to ease her work load at home by helping her clean the dishes or babysitting the kids. I remember helping her do her resume even though it was a long day for me and it was a long day for it and it was also super late. I remember saying good morning and good night without fail everyday. I remember staying up late just to wait for her to come back or to accompany her, or leaving the internet on just so I can be there if she needs me and reply her instantly.

In fact, for her, I actually went to KL for a short break instead of going home, I never did this. It was a first time for me. I expected we would have more 1 on 1 time together, but no, because she had her best friend join us for most of the time. Initially we planned for her to sleep at my place, and I was ready to sleep on the couch and give her the bed, but she ended up sleeping at her best friend's place. I would still have respect, I would still protect her integrity, I would still have self control. We went ice skating, we watch a movie, we went hiking. But little did I know, that was the last time I would see her.

FML, Quicksand

It's almost 2 weeks since I met her. We've been constantly chatting every day now. I don't know what this means, but it makes me pretty happy.

She's sweet. She's cute. She's friendly. She's helpful. She's kind. She's polite. Most important of all, she has no boyfriend!

But here's the twist. After some digging, not only is she all that was mentioned above, she married... Not only is she married, she also has a kid, almost 3 years old? Hot damn!

Just my luck, fml, every single time, me, always. I describe all this as FML, quicksand.

I know all these about her, and yet I am advancing. Talking to her, I wanted to, despite knowing all these. The same old case of my head telling me no, abort mission and my heart still wants to go on. Talking to her makes me happy, as if there's something I can hope for again, it gives me hope.

I've tried, bringing topics, that would let her slip and reveal the truth of her past. But she seems very determined to keep it a secret or hidden or buried. So I guess, I'll just let the past be the past.

I think I will be able to accept...


This uneasiness I am feeling, as I venture deeper and deeper into the quicksand that might consume me, being fully aware of the demise that is awaiting my every step of advancement. 


The date was 17June.

A Pleasant Surprise from an Unpleasant Call Leading to Possibly a New Journey

It was on the 4th of August, I was on standby. After going to bed late at like 3am and not being able to sleep whole night. I was abruptly woken up at 740am. I was told to report straight to aircraft. So I took my time to prepare and get to the airport. In my mind, it wouldn't matter if I miss the flight or not.

At first she didn't really stand out to me, just another day of work with another set of crew, another stewardess. It was a Sydney flight, SQ211. 

So I was deployed as  J5, while the other GS is a J2. She was J4, the CSS was someone I flew with before and then there was a J3. When working, she was always so ganchiong. The GS and I was always teasing her, and the CSS would join in the fun as well. It was truly a fun sector, though tiring and challenging.

When we arrive in Sydney, at the hotel, a few of us had agreed to meet to go to the supermarket and then tapao dinner. She had let her hair down from the standard company grooming and had it in a way that I actually found her quite pretty.

Work next day, going back to Singapore, we were working in the same galley again. And again it was really fun working with her, she was all ganchiong again and of course the teasing would continue even though the other GS, my teasing kaki was not here. But this time I had been more and more daring. So then this time one of the girls asked me if I wanted to chase her and she would help me. That was when it hit me, I actually really enjoy this and then I had slowly tone myself down. In my mind, am I really falling for this girl? I mean I really enjoy this, this interaction that I have with her, its fun and everything, sure.

Til the end of the flight, I had really toned down and lessened a lot of my teasing and flirting. And she told me that she would be doing an AKL on the 10th, and before that it was her annual leave to attend a friend's wedding. The information was for me to change to her flight, but my very own annual leaving was just around the corner, so I couldn't change to her flight unfortunately.

At the airport while walking out, I didn't say much to her. I know she called me, but I didn't wait for her and just walked away. I was afraid, I had been single, been free for so long and there's so much that I have to let go, to change, to leave my comfort zone. I really doubted myself if I was even able to contribute anything to her, anything to give her, to make her happy. The me in Singapore is really zai, staying at home all day playing games and watching movies, that's not the real me. The real me is the me in Kuching, so interesting, so lively, so outgoing.

There were a lot of thoughts in my head and I spent a lot of time thinking. Because there was no way for me to find her or contact her, in the end I "sent" her my number through company email. 

The next few days were really painful. Just waiting, wondering when would she see my email, will she know that what I had left was my phone number, would she text me? And her being all that I can think of too, always in my head.

10 August, it was the day that she would do her Auckland. And guess what, she texted me on Whatsapp. I was overjoyed, I had already thought of so many things, including our first date and how it is gonna be.

This time, I don't wanna overthink stuff anymore, just wanna go with the flow, one step at a time.

Over and Over Again

I've gotta vent this out, and there's no where or no one I could do it wholeheartedly to, so I'll just do it here.

From 23-26 Oct 2014, I went back to Kuching for a short break after a long flight. Actually I've already went back home earlier in the month, from 7-12 Oct 2014 and I wasn't planning to go back again in the same month. Of course I'd love to go back to Kuching as much as possible, but if it wasn't for this very reason, I think I would have just toughed it out and stayed back in Singapore.

So, what made me change my mind, well, it was a friend whom I haven't met for a long time but had kept in touch with. It's Sharon. I was actually pretty excited to meet her, can't remember when was the last time we met. We were suppose to meet the last time she was in town, however she was sick and circumstances made it so we can't meet and catch up.

For the entire duration of my little break at home, we hang out quite a lot. With lunch and drinks and movies and playing laser tag. It was really fun.

However, other than fun, I felt really happy. Being able to have so much fun, to be so natural and comfortable around someone, it truly is something special. Also having that person be your best friend. It's crazy how one can fall for the same person over and over again. For me, it's the third time...

I remember the first time I had fell for her, it was love at first sight, some might call it puppy love. It was back in secondary school, it was 2004 when I was 14 years old in Form 2, she was in peralihan, I was just right outside my classroom on the third floor, and she caught my eye walking amongst the crowd at ground level. I remember it was one week or 10 days before her birthday that I knew her. It was the first time in my life where I bought a present for a girl.

Fast forward to the second time, coincidentally she was in Singapore too, working here. We hanged out a lot, ate together, watch movies together, went shopping, we just spent a lot of time together. 

And then this was the third time.

While writing this, it just hit me. For everytime I had fell for her, I had my heart broken too.

There are so many reasons why we can't and won't be together. One of which is of the biggest reason is because she never liked me. But other than, I've become too good for her and I really deserve better. I've had a lot of advice from friends and family, and they all say the same thing. They are all right, it's just, sometimes, feelings are so strong.

But I'm okay right now, possibly why I'd fall for her that last time was because I was lonely too, according to some people, and in a way they are right.

True love? I don't know. But it's definitely something special to be able to fall for someone over and over again for more than half your life. Regardless of what happens in the future, she will always have a special place in my heart, that's all I can say.

UPSR 华语作文 : 我最尴尬的时刻

有一天, 我独自一人到我公司不遠的餐厅吃午餐。那里的餐厅人山人海, 仿附像到了一个有几千人的廣场。我看到有位就赶快坐下, 不然就会被AUNTY强走咯。突然间, 在人海茫茫中, 我看见了一个很熟悉的背影。他皮肤白思, 身体很fit。对! 他是我朋友 Anderson Lai. 难怪我看的见, 因为他太帅了。

当时,我不敢100 confirm 是他,因为他的头发很塌。可是我还是股起了勇气去say hello. 当我搭一搭他的肩时, 被他身边的朋友用很奇怪的眼神看我。没关系因为他们没看过 "罗志祥" 在kuching。可偏偏Anderson 用他那一脸迷獲的看了我几秒。他认不得我!! 当时尴尬值术暴表。还好过了几秒他代上眼镜就认出了我。可能是他那碗laksa太ho chiak. So 他忘了我。我们聊了几句就回去吃饭。

幸亏他认得我,不然我的那双batu 鞋在他的laksa中游泳。经过了这些事之后, 我 confirm那是我这生中最 Lap Bin 的事刻